With Survivor (and in some cases Friends) done, Americans everywhere are at risk of breaking down in violent fits of despair over the lack of quality programming tonight. Leave it to the Motor City Bad Boys to make Thursday remain a great night for TV. Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals kicks off tonight on ESPN. Watch it.
Before this becomes a sports-column--something I'd be entertainingly unqualified for--onto the usual boob-tubery!
Previously on Go Tubing: After admitting that there was definitely a rocky start, television columnist Matthew Tobey began gushing about the third season of 24 for more than a dozen episodes. Now, with the season finale set to air next Tuesday, he faces his biggest challenge yet. Can he accurately predict the events of the final hour? And can he write those predictions… in real time?
The following takes place between 12pm and 1pm…
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24: Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer. ª©2002 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY. CR: Lorenzo Agius/FOX.
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12:00 – In a race against time, Jack and Chase must attempt to find the remaining vials before they are activated, unleashing the virus on an unsuspecting public and setting into motion an epidemic that could lead to the deaths of millions. Jack shouts into his cellphone to Chloe that he needs "those coordinates now!"
Chloe responds that she needs more time. A red-faced Jack screams that there is no more time and crushes the cellphone to bits in his bare hand.
12:08 – Back at CTU, Tony is faced with the possibility of a death sentence for treason. While being grilled under hot lights, Tony snaps and shouts at his interrogator, "If loving my wife is treason, then you might as well hang me now!"
The interrogator informs Tony that the federal government hasn't used the gallows in decades and that he'd more likely die by lethal injection.
Tony scoffs, asking, "Are you a federal agent or the semantics police? jackass!"
The interrogator weeps. Tony has found his weak spot.
Dennis Haysbert as President David Palmer on 24. ª©2002 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY. CR: Aaron Rapaport/FOX.
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12:19 – Wayne bursts into David's office to find David asleep on his desk. David wakes with a start and begins shuffling papers on his desk, feigning work.
"David, were you asleep?" Wayne asks.
"Asleep? Are you kidding? I was just… resting my eyes," David unconvincingly responds.
"I should hope so. You're the president of the United States. You can't be sleeping on the job."
"Give me a break, Wayne. I haven't slept in like 30 hours. President or not, I'm starting to feel it. I swear, I keep thinking I see Alf out of the corner of my eye, but then I turn and realize it's just my mini-fridge."
"I'm sorry, David. We're all very tired."
"Anyway, what did you come in here all frantic for?"
"Um… you know, I completely forgot. Something with national security or some-such. Sheesh, I'm pretty tired too. Woah, was that a cartoon pony out in the hall?"
12:34 – Speeding through red lights and dodging on-coming traffic in their Ford Excursion, Jack and Chase are startled by a loud grumbling noise.
"Is that the engine?" Chase asks.
"No, it was my stomach growling." Jack admits.
"I'm glad I'm not the only hungry one. As if fighting terrorism didn't work up enough of an appetite, I haven't had a bite since breakfast yesterday. Hey, I'll bet you're really starting to feel some wicked heroin withdrawals by now too, huh?"
"Like you wouldn't believe, Chase."
"Oh, man. There's a McDonald's up there. Would that hit the spot right now, or what?"
"And they have heroin in their fries too! Two birds with one stone."
"If we act quickly, we could hit the drive-thru and still make it to stop the virus thing."
"You're speaking my language, kid!"
12:44 – Not having gone to the bathroom since he woke up the previous day, Stephen Saunders breaks down and offers to "disarm the virus distribution mechanisms via cellphone if you'll just let me go to the loo!"
Elisha Cuthbert as Kimberly Bauer on 24 on FOX. ª©2001FOX BROADCASTING CR:Randy Holmes/FOX
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12:46 – The remaining fourteen minutes feature a four-panel split screen. In the first panel, Jack and Chase scarf down Big Macs, fries and milkshakes and attempt to put into words how "freaking good" it all tastes. Panel-two finds a slap-happy President Palmer having a heartfelt conversation with his mini-fridge, while the third panel shows Saunders standing at a urinal and exclaiming to himself, "oh yeah, this was totally worth it." Finally, the fourth panel features Kim gently brushing her golden tresses with a faraway look in her eyes.
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Contact Matthew Tobey at Mtobey77@hotmail.com.
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